Being Interviewed

So I got a job interview, yay! Now that it's over & I wait while they talk to other less-qualified candidates (LOL), I get to obsess over how I think it went or didn't go, get excited about the prospect of working & the difference I might be able to make in my community if I got this job & worry some more about what the heck I'm supposed to do if I don't, etc. etc.

As a TV/video producer, of course I'm used to always being the one doing the interviewing. I'm accustomed to not only asking all the questions, but also possibly commanding my victim to repeat their answer while looking at me, or suggest a different word than "phenotype" or to avoid some tangential moment. But in that role, my purpose is to help them to communicate whatever it is they are doing/finding, so I like to think they generally come away feeling that they were in good hands with me.

For this job interview, one thing I didn't have to worry about at all was what to wear, because having telecommuted from home all these years, I only have one "for good" outfit that's not "for funerals."

Amazingly to me, I also didn't spend any time or energy stewing over whether or not to disclose about the Tourette Syndrome. Back in the days/years after I got the diagnosis, this was a big issue with me because the stress of a job interview can instigate more twitchiness than usual, which can make me self-conscious wondering if they think I'm nervous or a freak or whatever, resulting in a negative feedback loop going nowhere in the direction of the goal.

So, I would float the idea to family members/friends/anyone that maybe I could make it easier on myself by just explaining that I have Tourette, which may be making me appear to be a nervous freak... if indeed that is how I appear... and if not, never mind... and of course their advice to me would always be, T! M! I!

But it has been some 12 years or even more since I had to seriously pound the pavement under pressure, and in the meantime I guess my own attitude about having this or any other difference/quirk/"disability" has solidified-- that being, it is what it is.

I twitched when I really needed to, and during the interview, the subject of the autism spectrum came up, and I not only ably displayed my knowledge of the science all around that topic, but also took that opportunity to mention that I have Tourette and that I have blogged about it.

The other difference I noticed is my self-confidence. I think I now exude a lot of it. So that's a new thing to worry about-- does that generate the feeling that they'd be in good hands with me, or might it seem obnoxiously, off-puttingly arrogant?

As for me, true to my nature, of course I inevitably loved everyone I met there and the environment and possibilities, and I have no idea whether that showed or not.

Sigh... with this posting I hereby stop re-analyzing, let it go & let it be what it will be.

Antidepressant Use Up Among Journalists

Plausible headline, eh?

While employed NPR journalists yesterday covered the unemployment of so many colleagues in mainstream media, tears poured from my eyes.

I was stacking wood and had the radio on but it wasn't the coverage. I could be driving to the grocery store or cooking dinner or even watching my dogs delightfully playing and it seems the waterworks can just start streaming down my face lately.

I called my doctor and asked to be put on sertraline, the generic variety of Zoloft, because it has the lowest co-pay.

There have been times in the past when I have taken antidepressants, so I know they can work for me. There were a few months 11 years ago right after my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 63. There were a few months a couple of years back when my family was gone and I didn't know if I would get them back. I still had a job, a career and a profession and continued to perform as well as always, while constantly on the verge of tears.

One of the few things it's actually hard to do while weeping as much as possible is to eat well. One of the easiest things is to smoke, but amazingly I have still not smoked since August 24, thank goodness & the transdermal delivery system.

Anyway, the point of sharing this is that while I can recognize depression, and that even if it has an identifiable cause, it's not necessarily going to get better all on its own.

There are plenty of folks a lot worse off than me, and I know it. There's the frckn earthquake in Indonesia for God's sake. I have a partner who has a job that greatly decreases the chances of us losing our home, and includes domestic partner health insurance so that I could even consider getting an antidepressant.

But even though I can tell myself clearly and intelligibly that I need to move on, buck up, count my blessings, don't worry, enjoy today, keep the faith, make myself useful, do the things I need to do, etc., etc., those tears just keep wanting to flow.

I suspect that somebody hiring me to do what I love doing and am really good at would have the same effect that I expect this medication will start having in a few days or weeks. But since the former might not happen anytime soon, I decided I needed some help.

The other day I actually took out the book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff-- and It's All Small Stuff" from the library and it didn't help. Then, coincidentally I saw this really great Guardian piece, "Welcome to the Bright New World of Positive Thinking" about people-- like me-- trying to make themselves feel better while the world falls apart-- brilliantly engulfed by google ads marketing same.

Asking my doctor for the cheapest generic antidepressant asap is not going to end the current Great Depression. But I did just come across an opening to inquire/obsess about so I am going to go do that, hoping that if I actually get an interview one of these days my eyes won't be leaking all the way there.